DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary new approach to terrorism Tuesday based on the medical breakthrough that “hurt people hurt people,” immediately leaving Americans wondering whether the United States should simply start mailing emotional-support checks to every angry person on Earth, sources have confirmed.
Under the new Global Feelings First Doctrine, terrorists will no longer be classified by ideology, organization, or intent.
They will instead receive a 45-minute intake session and a weighted blanket.
“Why did you attack innocent people?”
“I’m angry.”
“Understandable. Who hurt you?”
“Someone 6,000 miles away.”
“Excellent. Bill America.”
The Treasury promptly created a new department called International Hurt Reimbursement, funded entirely by Americans who were already paying for wars, reconstruction, foreign aid, refugee programs, and apparently everyone’s unresolved childhood trauma.
One taxpayer asked why America keeps getting the invoice.
Officials explained that asking questions perpetuates the cycle.
El-Sayed’s advisers then proposed solving terrorism by sending therapists instead of aircraft.
The therapists requested military escorts.
The military sighed.
Republicans responded by introducing the controversial doctrine of blaming terrorists for terrorism.
Democrats called it dangerously straightforward.
As of press time, the deep left had determined world peace was achievable once Americans apologized to everyone, paid everyone, and promised never to notice who started anything.
