HARRISBURG, PA — Sen. John Fetterman triggered another Democratic identity crisis Tuesday after saying something vaguely moderate, causing party activists to accuse him of secretly being a Republican while Republicans begged him to remain a Democrat, sources have confirmed.
The confusion began when Fetterman warned Democrats were afraid of their far-left wing.
DSA officials immediately demanded his removal for noticing them.
Party leaders opened an investigation into what they called unauthorized centrism.
Meanwhile, Pennsylvania Republicans launched Operation Save the Democrat, encouraging voters to temporarily register blue just to keep Fetterman around.
“I’m not becoming a Democrat,” one voter explained.
“I’m identifying as one until the primary ends.”
Another added, “My pronouns are GOP/D.”
Fetterman repeatedly insisted he remained a Democrat.
Democrats repeatedly insisted he was basically MAGA.
Republicans responded:
“No, no. He’s yours. We insist.”
The GOP then unveiled a new slogan:
KEEP FETTERMAN BLUE. IT’S FUNNIER THIS WAY.
Progressives became even more furious after discovering Republican voters were willing to support a Democrat simply because he occasionally said things they considered normal.
As of press time, Democrats were trying to throw Fetterman out of the party while Republicans stood outside holding the door shut and yelling, “Nope, he lives here.”
