WASHINGTON — Democrats released their official 2024 election autopsy this week, only to immediately burn it after the coroner made the fatal mistake of identifying the party itself as the cause of death, sources have confirmed.
The report, described by insiders as “a forensic examination of how not to talk to normal people,” found the Harris campaign had suffered catastrophic organ failure after relying entirely on Trump being unacceptable, celebrity endorsements, and the hope that voters would forget groceries cost money.
“This can’t be right,” screamed one strategist while trying to resuscitate the campaign with a defibrillator labeled “TRUMP IS SATAN.”
“The patient was perfectly healthy when we called working-class dads toxic and ignored every county without a Whole Foods.”
Investigators noted clear signs of self-inflicted damage, including grassroots neglect, border denial, inflation amnesia, and terminal overexposure to MSNBC panels.
Party elders rejected the findings, calling the autopsy “MAGA propaganda with a stethoscope.”
Democrats are now drafting an approved medical report concluding the campaign actually died from insufficient drag performances in Iowa, not enough TikTok dances in Pennsylvania, and voters selfishly caring about rent.
As of press time, the DNC had ordered the body cremated, blamed Trump for the smoke, and placed the coroner on a watchlist with mean tweets and dads grilling in the suburbs.
Not sure why the corpse is an elephant. Seems like it should be a donkey. 🤷♀️
Because the illustration is equally as good as the writeup.
That’s all good news. If the Democratic Party doesn’t recognize the problem, they won’t solve and they they’ll be doomed again in 2028. Works for me!
Yes, a glaring error….
The illustration makes no sense at all. And the writing is nearly always illegible. Pictures are fun, but very quirky!