DNC Updates ‘No Kings’ Slogan To ‘No Kings Unless They Say Whilst’

Democrats who spent the last week passionately defending their “No Kings” protests have now issued an important clarification that the movement does not apply to actual hereditary monarchs with crowns, castles, and charming British accents, sources have confirmed

According to DNC officials, the phrase “No Kings” was never intended to target real kings, but rather “king-like figures,” including Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Republican governors, Supreme Court justices, suburban dads with American flags, and anyone who refuses to clap during pride month.

“Obviously, we still oppose kings,” explained one party strategist while gently framing a commemorative photo of King Charles III.

“But when we say kings, we mean democratically elected people we don’t like. Not refined constitutional monarchs who wave slowly and make NPR listeners feel safe.”

Rep. Ilhan Omar reportedly defended the distinction, saying there is a “huge difference” between opposing tyranny and applauding a man whose family has ruled for centuries because “his outfit was tasteful.”

Progressive activists have since updated their protest signs to read, “No Kings, Except Real Ones.”

As of press time, the DNC had announced next week’s protest theme: “No Thrones, Unless They’re Historic And Come With Matching Tea Sets.”