DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed reportedly made a serious tactical error this week: he mentioned JD Vance’s wife one too many times and accidentally awakened the Momma Bear.
The first warning came from JD:
KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
El-Sayed’s campaign advised him to stop.
Then Beverly Vance Aikins entered the family group chat under the username MAMA BEAR 76, accompanied by three flag emojis, a boxing glove, and one message:
WHO IS THIS LITTLE MAN AND WHY IS HE TALKING ABOUT MY FAMILY?
Within seconds, the rest of the Vance family joined.
JD changed his status to DEFENDING THE FAMILY.
Usha appeared online but said nothing, which aides described as “far more intimidating.”
An uncle nobody had heard from since 2008 posted a blurry photo of a pickup truck:
WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS.
The group name changed to VANCE FAMILY SECURITY COUNCIL.
Then Republicans arrived.
Mike Rogers joined and changed his status to STANDING WITH THE VANCES.
Several Republican lawmakers appeared behind Beverly in a hastily assembled video call, holding signs reading:
WE ARE ALL MOMMA BEAR NOW
El-Sayed’s consultants panicked.
“Sir, you’re supposed to be running against Mike Rogers.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you fighting JD Vance, his wife, his mother, three cousins, an uncle, and the entire Republican Party?”
Nobody had an answer.
El-Sayed tried changing the subject to healthcare.
Mom replied:
DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
He mentioned billionaires.
JD sent a thumbs-down.
He mentioned Hasan Piker.
Usha left the chat.
By midnight, the group had 147 members, including Aunt Linda, who posted:
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.
As of press time, El-Sayed’s campaign had adopted a new strategy: discuss Michigan, avoid Usha, and never awaken the Momma Bear.
Because once Momma Bear wakes up, the whole family gets up.
And when Republicans hear the growl, they line up behind her.
