In a stunning move that garnered bipartisan support, emergency legislature passed last last night that would bump the 2024 U.S. Presidential Election up to May third or fourth, just to make sure neither guy dies before November, sources have confirmed.
“I’ve said this every four years since 1984, but this is truly going to be the most important election of my lifetime,” said Patrick Austin, a local independent voter. “Assuming neither of them croak before it’s time for the election, I think Trump/Biden 2 is going to determine the future of America, or at the very least the future of our conversations around elder abuse!”
The unprecedented move was brought forth by members of both parties that reportedly were worried about their respective chances in the upcoming election, should the original date of November 5th.
“Do you know what’s more fucked up than Joe Biden’s chances in this election?” asked fellow local voter Fred Matthams, of the incumbent President that’s been having trouble talking and remembering stuff lately. “Probably the chances of any other Democrat we try to run if Joe accidentally chokes to death on a chunk of sugar cone between now and the end of the year. We gotta get this guy in office, and we gotta do it fast!”
Similarly, while Trump doesn’t seem to face as immediate health issues as Biden, many agree that his long term prospects don’t look good.
“The guy is pushing 80, bouncing from lawsuit to lawsuit, and is a tubbo that lives on Diet Cokes,” said Marie Lawson, a local business owner that supported the change to Election Day. “He’s one of those guys that seems healthy for his age, but then it wouldn’t be a surprise at all if he just dropped dead one day. John Madden did it for decades. We should really have everyone vote as soon as possible.”
As of press time, the bipartisan committee had raised a motion asking the voting public if they wanted to just do it tomorrow, to be safe.
