French Police Unveil New Immigration Strategy: Help Every Problem Float to Britain

French authorities have unveiled an immigration strategy based on helping every problem float toward Britain, sources have confirmed.

The initiative, called “Not Our Shore Anymore,” replaces border enforcement with customer service, nautical directions, and weather updates.

Under the program, officers greet boats with whistles, reflective vests, and laminated maps reading, “England: Keep Going Until the Tea Gets Worse.”

Travelers experiencing engine trouble may receive paddles, jumper cables, and a loyalty card redeemable after their tenth crossing.

French officials denied assisting departures, explaining that officers were merely providing “encouragement” and ensuring Britain received its paperwork.

One policeman held a dinghy steady while another checked the tide, inflated a beach toy, and recommended Dover because Calais was becoming crowded.

British representatives objected, reminding France that London had paid to stop the crossings.

France apologized for the misunderstanding and promised to spend the next payment on boats, life jackets, and a bilingual farewell kiosk.

Brussels responded by creating a task force to determine whether moving a problem into another country qualifies as progress.

Its 900-page report concluded that it depends entirely on which beach receives it.

Meanwhile, smugglers complained that government assistance was undercutting private enterprise and demanded subsidies.

As of press time, French police had installed a departure board listing Britain as “somebody else’s responsibility,” with service whenever the weather permits.