Rob Sand spent Tuesday denying membership in his political party while standing beneath its banner, wearing its button, and cashing its check, sources have confirmed.
“No, I’m not,” Rob insisted.
“Yes, you are,” replied the party chairman, holding his membership card.
Sand explained that political affiliation is personal, fluid, and determined by whichever label polls best before breakfast.
In rural counties, he identified as an independent tractor owner.
Near universities, he became a thought partner.
At donor receptions, he described himself as “whatever comes after dessert.”
Campaign workers attempted to remove every party reference from his headquarters, but the affiliation kept returning like glitter.
They painted the donkey, buried the yard signs, shredded registration forms, and disguised the platform as a locally sourced restaurant menu.
During a debate, the moderator asked whether he was the Democratic nominee.
“No,” he answered.
An electronic ballot flashed: “Yes, you are.”
Sand accused the ballot of using labels and announced that he now identified as a weather event.
Reporters asked what policies that involved. He responded by checking three focus groups and changing the subject to corn.
His campaign introduced a slogan: “Party Labels Don’t Define Me, Unless They Unlock Funding.”
As of press time, Sand was seen arguing with his own reflection after it registered as a Democrat.
