John Healey declared Britain’s financial problems solved after inventing a welfare machine that gives citizens one pound, takes back two, and congratulates him personally, sources have confirmed.
At the unveiling, Healey demonstrated using a pensioner strapped to a revolving door.
“Look how quickly she’s moving through the system!”
She’d applied for heating assistance.
After thirty rotations, officials declared her warm enough.
Healey applauded himself so enthusiastically that Treasury staff classified the noise as economic growth.
Savings were next.
“If you’ve saved for a rainy day,” he explained, “you’ve clearly failed to appreciate that we own the weather.”
His new umbrella levy applied indoors, just in case.
A landlord asked what remained after tax.
“The privilege of collecting it for us.”
Healey then unveiled a benefits envelope containing twelve pounds, a twenty-pound invoice, and a photograph of himself looking compassionate.
Recipients could appeal by purchasing a stamp taxed as an attempt to communicate dissatisfaction.
One woman hid her savings beneath a floorboard.
Inspectors classified her as an underground bank.
Foreign aid remained exempt from the revolving door because ministers hadn’t purchased the extension cord.
Healey celebrated with champagne, describing the expense as trickle-down hydration.
As of press time, he’d announced a tax on disposable income, explaining that if citizens still had any, somebody at the Treasury had made a mistake.
Gee, I thought this was going to be about Massacusetts Gov. Healey. Coincidence – I think not?!