Samuel L. Jackson endorsed Karen Bass after Hollywood donors discovered their enthusiasm for socialism ended precisely where the driveway gate began, sources have confirmed.
At the imaginary endorsement meeting, Jackson explained that Bass offered continuity, meaning everyone already knew which problems to step around.
“We’ve had enough motherfing surprises in this motherfing property assessment,” he declared.
A producer praised Nithya Raman’s vision until an aide explained that “sharing resources” might include resources he owned.
His solidarity required immediate resuscitation.
“I support dismantling oppressive systems,” he clarified.
“But my home theater has surround sound.”
Bass representatives reassured attendees that nobody would be asked to turn a guesthouse into anything involving guests.
The room erupted.
One actress confessed she’d misunderstood “redistribution” as getting her canceled sitcom onto another streaming service.
Jackson nodded.
“That’s the kind of redistribution we can all get behind.”
A director described Bass as the devil they knew, prompting his agent to request sequel rights.
The campaign unveiled its slogan:
TAX THE RICH, BUT CHECK THE GUEST LIST.
Attendees received yard signs, installed by workers forbidden from using the main bathroom.
A reporter asked whether celebrities understood ordinary Angelenos’ concerns.
“Absolutely,” said a donor.
“Our assistants complain constantly.”
As of press time, Hollywood had approved affordable housing everywhere except anywhere visible from the upstairs Pilates studio, including through binoculars.
VMMUNIST PUKES CONTRIBUTING TO THE RAPE AND DEMISE OF AMERICA 🇺🇸
Typical Hollywood Behavior!For Thee ,Not For Me!