Hollywood donors unveiled a plan to turn Michigan blue after discovering buying political influence was easier than convincing anyone to watch their project, sources have confirmed.
At the imaginary fundraiser, Barbra Streisand demanded a spotlight, an orchestra, and assurances the candidate knew who she was.
He asked whether she’d brought her TikTok handle.
Her publicist requested medical assistance.
Danny DeVito offered practical advice: put the donation button where people could reach it, then charge Republicans for using stairs.
Susan Sarandon demanded capitalism be abolished, provided the announcement didn’t interfere with her investment manager’s presentation.
Macklemore arrived wearing a thrift-store jacket that required its own security detail.
“We’re standing with working people,” he explained, asking an assistant to locate one for the photograph.
Campaign staff promised donors access to Michigan residents.
“Can they access us back?” Streisand asked.
“Absolutely not.”
The room relaxed.
A candidate pledged to redistribute wealth.
Four celebrities covered their checkbooks before realizing he meant other people’s.
Streisand announced she’d sing until Michigan embraced socialism.
Republicans immediately requested federal disaster assistance.
Sarandon suggested the campaign needed younger voices. An intern agreed and was dismissed before finishing his sentence.
DeVito asked whether this counted as a reboot.
As of press time, donors had demanded Michigan be recast after learning the working class had developed opinions without consulting the producers.
