OTTUMWA, IA — Former council member Matt Dalbey demanded a refund on eternal damnation Tuesday after security destroyed his homemade boarding pass to hell, sources have confirmed.
Dalbey interrupted the opening prayer with “HAIL SATAN!” before a pastor restored order by deploying the terrifying conservative weapon of finishing a sentence.
A security search uncovered lint, candy wrappers, and a photograph Dalbey identified as “the Dark Mother.”
It was AOC wearing Halloween devil horns.
“That’s a congresswoman,” the guard said.
“She promises free stuff and everything gets worse!”
Dalbey insisted.
“CHECK THE QUALIFICATIONS!”
When the guard tore the photograph, Dalbey collapsed against the podium.
“THAT WAS MY TICKET IN! NOW I HAVE TO APPLY THROUGH HUMAN RESOURCES!”
Council members adopted Southern crisis protocols: thirty sarcastic “bless your hearts,” two calls requesting adult supervision, and one “I’ll pray for him” delivered with the force of a spiritual restraining order.
Outside, purple-haired protesters chanted, “Satanism is religion!”
Asked whether their imaginary utopia included human sacrifice and torture, their spokesperson clarified, “Only billionaires. And we call it redistributing vitality.”
Another demanded taxpayer-funded pitchforks, then withdrew support after discovering hell had no air conditioning, union breaks, or forgiveness for student loans.
As of press time, Satan had rejected Dalbey’s application, explaining, “We punish people down here. We don’t make them sit through another council meeting.”
Yeah ,I saw that. The enemy isn’t exactly choosing the best and brightest to represent him (small he). The ‘agreement’ is that ‘they’ have to announce what they are doing. Up to the discernment of the awakened to S E E 🙂
What’s the difference between a douchebag and this guy ?
The bag !
How right you are.
F’n Crazy… and a new grade of stupid.