HOLLYWOOD — Jimmy Kimmel was reportedly rushed into ABC’s emergency affirmation bunker this week after President Trump predicted he could be the next late-night host to disappear from television, sources have confirmed.
Kimmel responded with the razor-sharp comedic instincts that have kept writers employed for years.
“I know you are, but what am I?” Kimmel allegedly shouted at his phone before spinning toward his staff.
“That’s still a joke, right? Please clap once for yes, twice if democracy is dying.”
Producers immediately dimmed the lights, lit a soy candle labeled Resistance, and began the show’s mandatory morale ritual.
“You are funny,” whispered one writer.
“You are necessary,” added another.
“Your Trump monologues are legally jokes because they happen after the theme music,” said a third, reading from the emergency confidence binder.
Sources say Kimmel then panicked after realizing Americans may no longer want millionaire comedians reading DNC talking points with punchlines Scotch-taped to the end.
ABC executives denied trouble, insisting Kimmel remains wildly popular among the key late-night demographic of coastal therapists, retired NPR tote bags, and people who believe clapping is a personality.
Insiders say Kimmel’s team is already planning a bold new creative direction:
Fewer jokes, more crying, and a 14-minute opening monologue explaining why Trump caused his ratings.
As of press time, Kimmel was reportedly asking AOC if she needed a backup speaker, since their rants are so similar he could just read her speech, cry twice, blame Trump for ratings, and wait for the applause button.
I have encountered rocks with more talent, charisma, and personality than Kimmel ever hoped to have. A sorry excuse for an “entertainer”
He isn’t funny. Not what I turn on television for. His left talking points and constant anti Trump
Is boring and not respectful. If he hates America so much there are other places to be.
Late night comedy stopped being funny after Carson. Kimmel is a hate filled democrat hack !
There is no such thing as Late Night TV anymore. Kimmel is a hack, and hot air filler.
Get over it Trump supporters. I LOVE JIMMY KIMMEL.
So, maybe you are hard of hearing or seeing or have an inability to analyze anything more
than profanity laced diatribes full of sound and fury and signifying nothing?
Doesn’t matter if we like him or not. He has the right to make jokes about people with power. We are suppose to have the right to free speech. I think all entertainers make too much money then use their name for vineyards, making bourbon, having podcast. They have the money to give the finger to everyone. Some of you are saying negative things about jimmy Kimmel and he is not threatening you.
Let me see if I understand your logic. He talks negatively about Trump, and you question why people are saying negative things about him. Free speech is a bitch ain’t it. I’d call you retarded, but I don’t if think you have that much intellect.
OK, no problem, Comrade. You will still be able to watch clips of him on YouTube after his unfunny show is yanked out from under him. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I said: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
Kimmel IS a joke. He should join “The View” to make it even more revolting.
There is a difference between telling jokes and pushing an agenda. And that’s all the late night shows were doing…pushing an agenda, not entertaining and same tired routine every night.
Crying Kimmel is nothing but a DISGRACE !! Hie material is nothing but bash President Trump and Republicans !! His audience is nothing but white , angry , overweight , divorced KARENS !!!!
These night shows are not the same from years ago. They used to be total comedy shows. Today they’re just over zealous news shows with no substance whatsoever. The time for the change back is overdue!