Judge’s New Rule: Stay Home, Get Paid, No Work Required

In a landmark decision that has both baffled and delighted, U.S. District Court Judge James Bredar ruled that laid-off federal employees should just stay home and continue collecting government paychecks, as “there’s really nothing for you to do anyway,” sources have confirmed.

The controversial ruling affects employees in nineteen states and the District of Columbia, sparking a mix of elation and outrage across the political spectrum.

The judge’s ruling came after it was discovered that many federal positions were superfluous, a revelation that has apparently shocked no one outside the beltway. In his decision, Judge Bredar stated, “Why rush back to the office to not do much? Stay home, stay safe, and let the government paychecks keep you cozy.”

This unprecedented move has prompted a slew of early celebrations among the affected workers, with some planning long vacations or even thanking the judge for “the best worst decision ever.” Critics argue it sets a dangerous precedent, fearing it might encourage more governmental inefficiency.

As of press time, several laid-off workers were spotted buying lottery tickets, presumably hoping to double down on their new government-funded windfall.