HOLLYWOOD, CA — Kevin Sorbo reportedly returned to Hollywood this week armed with a sword, sandals, and twenty years of unresolved industry grievances after discovering the monsters threatening Olympus had been replaced by publicists, activists, and seventh-grade mean girls, sources have confirmed.
While promoting his latest film, Sorbo compared modern Hollywood to ancient Greece shortly before everything collapsed.
“It’s actually worse,” he explained.
“At least the Hydra only had seven heads. Hollywood has agents.”
Sorbo then encountered the legendary Woke Sirens, who lure actors onto social media by singing beautiful songs about tolerance before demanding their firing for liking the wrong tweet.
Nearby, the seven-headed Diversity Hydra screamed “BE KIND!” while simultaneously blacklisting everyone it disliked.
Each severed head reportedly grew two new consultants.
Studio executives insisted Hollywood remains welcoming to all viewpoints, provided every viewpoint is identical.
Sorbo responded by raising his sword and shouting, “DISAPPOINTED!” causing three producers to hide behind an intimacy coordinator.
Tourists watched as Olympus crumbled around abandoned soundstages, empty theaters, and another $300 million remake nobody requested.
As of press time, Hercules had defeated six Hydra heads but surrendered after discovering the seventh was represented by CAA.
