STATE COLLEGE, PA — A Penn State fraternity allegedly transformed itself into a cocaine distribution startup after members realized tuition was rising, Daddy’s money was disappearing, and lemonade stands lacked sufficient margins, sources have confirmed.
The operation reportedly combined Tony Montana’s ambition with Junior Achievement’s organizational structure.
Freshmen served as “entry-level fulfillment associates,” pledges handled packaging, and the basement was reclassified as a regional distribution center with questionable ventilation.
Several members studying law immediately activated the fraternity’s legal strategy:
“Deny everything.”
“That wasn’t mine.”
“I’ve never seen cocaine.”
“And I definitely won’t do it again.”
One law student quietly explained that the last statement undermined the first three.
He was promoted to general counsel.
Accounting majors allegedly tracked inventory, payroll, and margins so effectively that visiting DSA organizers began taking notes.
“They paid workers, understood supply and demand, controlled overhead, and made money?” whispered one socialist.
“Absolutely disgusting.”
The DSA delegation proposed nationalizing the fraternity, unionizing freshmen, legalizing cocaine, and taxing profits at 104 percent.
Fraternity members immediately objected.
“Whoa,” said one frat brother. “
We might be criminals, but we’re not idiots.”
As of press time, Penn State business professors were reportedly furious students had built a functioning supply chain before taking Operations Management.
Shouldn’t those drugs be free for those who have a biological need?