WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive activists demanded more American jobs Tuesday before immediately clarifying that jobs involving steel-toed boots, alarm clocks, grease, welding sparks, forklifts, or standing for extended periods may violate several personal boundaries, sources have confirmed.
The crisis began after reports showed factory job openings climbing to a three-year high.
“This is incredible,” one official announced.
“Hundreds of thousands of manufacturing opportunities!”
A TikTok activist slowly lowered his ring light.
“Like… actual work?”
Silence.
Recruiters unveiled positions building machinery, electronics, vehicles, tools, and products Americans actually use.
Applicants responded with several reasonable questions:
“Can I work remotely?”
“No.”
“Can I manufacture the transmission from Starbucks?”
“No.”
“Unlimited mental-health Wednesdays?”
“Also no.”
One socialist organizer became especially confused.
“You mean workers share the workload and then receive money?”
“Yes.”
“That sounds suspiciously like our thing.”
“Except you have to do the work.”
He immediately left.
Factories nevertheless continued expanding as Americans willing to learn trades discovered the controversial economic concept of exchanging useful skills for increasingly valuable paychecks.
Meanwhile, several aspiring influencers announced they were still “between opportunities” while recording videos titled CAPITALISM GAVE ME NO OPTIONS beside three unanswered recruiter emails.
As of press time, American manufacturing was hiring while thousands of critics remained bravely committed to producing absolutely nothing.
