AUSTIN, TX — James Talarico reportedly forgot to drink his political happy juice Tuesday and accidentally said the quiet part out loud, declaring capitalism oppressive while standing beneath lights, cameras, microphones, and campaign infrastructure purchased almost entirely through capitalism, sources have confirmed.
Staffers immediately rushed the stage.
“Sir, please stop dismantling the system until payroll clears.”
Talarico insisted capitalism must be replaced before checking his phone, ordering coffee through an app, riding in a privately manufactured SUV, and asking whether the campaign’s online store had restocked the $32 anti-capitalism shirts.
“It’s about principle,” an aide explained.
“Who manufactures the shirts?”
“Don’t ruin this.”
The campaign then unveiled its revolutionary economic plan:
Step One: Destroy capitalism.
Step Two: Keep Apple.
Step Three: Keep Amazon.
Step Four: Definitely keep DoorDash.
Step Five: Figure out who makes everything later.
DSA consultants applauded until someone asked who would fund campaigns after corporations, wealthy donors, private businesses, and profitable industries were dismantled.
The room became dangerously educational.
Talarico quickly clarified that oppressive capitalism should remain operational during fundraising hours.
Republicans responded by mailing him a calculator and a lemonade-stand starter kit.
As of press time, Talarico was still dismantling capitalism from an iPhone while asking supporters to purchase limited-edition merchandise before inventory ran out.
