New Transportation Plan Guarantees No One Ever Arrives First Again

New York officials unveiled a bold equity initiative Tuesday declaring personal cars a form of transit hoarding Sources have confirmed

Speaking beside a motionless bus traveling at the speed of municipal paperwork, NYC’s socialist leader Zohran Mamdani explained congestion exists because residents selfishly insist on arriving places they intend to go.

Under the new plan, vehicle owners must surrender their cars into a shared neighborhood “mobility trust” or document weekly emotional support provided to three commuters still waiting for the Bx12.

City accountants asked who would pay for maintenance on the suddenly free buses. Mamdani reportedly shrugged and pointed at a mural of community togetherness until reporters stopped asking real questions.

When pressed about traffic slowing buses, Mamdani clarified traffic is merely the physical manifestation of inequality and proposed eliminating cars entirely so no one experiences the trauma of someone else getting somewhere first.

Representative Nicole Malliotakis (R-NY) warned that with more business owners and taxpayers leaving the city, planners may soon eliminate traffic, residents, and eventually the need for buses altogether.

Under Mamdani’s plan residents will request transportation through a fairness lottery, ensuring surgeons, janitors, and a guy going to vape at 2am all receive identical commute times.

Transportation advocates praised the policy, noting equal inconvenience is the highest form of justice and far cheaper than fixing infrastructure.

As of press time several commuters were cited for reckless individualism after walking faster than a bus route schedule