NEW YORK, NY — A judge reportedly forced City Hall to redo its second-home tax rollout this week after officials accidentally discovered that taxing wealthy property owners becomes significantly harder once those property owners start Googling “Florida residency requirements,” sources have confirmed.
Panic spread immediately.
(Official): “How many taxpayers are leaving?”
“Define leaving.”
“Not paying New York anymore.”
“Oh. A lot.”
Mayor Mamdani’s revenue team reportedly opened a spreadsheet titled:
PEOPLE WHO STILL HAVE MONEY.
It loaded slowly.
Gov. Hochul called.
“Can we tax the spreadsheet?”
“Already checking.”
The judge’s ruling created an even larger problem: City Hall still needed revenue.
One staffer suggested cutting spending.
Security escorted him out.
Another proposed taxing abandoned brownstones.
“Who owns them?”
“Nobody nearby.”
“Perfect.”
Officials then unveiled Affordable Housing Phase II, under which vacant luxury apartments would be assigned to whoever had the strongest tent zipper and could correctly pronounce pied-à-terre.
A Manhattan resident asked whether driving taxpayers away might eventually reduce tax revenue.
Three economists fainted from hearing common sense spoken aloud.
By lunchtime, the city had commissioned a study determining whether people fleeing high taxes could be charged an Exit Opportunity Surcharge.
As of press time, City Hall was considering a pigeon tax, a squirrel occupancy fee, and a $14 annual “unauthorized acorn storage” surcharge after realizing they were the only residents who still hadn’t moved to Florida.
I wouldn’t mess with the squirrels, they collect nuts. “Free services” are very expensive. Do not try to destroy a great city.
N.Y. is trying to kill the gooses that lay the golden eggs…
But the gooses are getting the last laugh…
They’re flocking to Florida !
Leaving N.Y. with no more golden eggs…
Just goose shit !💩
Doesn’t Newsom want to tax people who are leaving the state???