CHICAGO, IL — Oprah Winfrey reportedly became an instant frontrunner for the 2028 Democratic nomination after demonstrating the party’s most important modern skill: enthusiastically embracing people yesterday and pretending not to know them today, sources have confirmed.
Campaign consultants immediately unveiled her slogan:
YOU GET A POSITION! YOU GET A POSITION! EVERYBODY GETS A NEW POSITION!
Her platform reportedly comes printed on reversible cards.
Monday: “Dr. Phil is wonderful.”
Tuesday: “Dr. Oz is brilliant.”
Wednesday: “Who are these men?”
Thursday: “Republicans weaponized my television career.”
Friday: “Please focus on the future.”
Democratic strategists were stunned.
“She’s incredibly wealthy, lectures other wealthy people about wealth, changes positions gracefully, and expects voters to forget,” whispered one adviser.
“She’s basically overqualified.”
Researchers at the Center for Strategic Forgetfulness then announced marijuana legalization may have accidentally created the perfect electorate: millions of Americans unable to remember what politicians said before lunch.
Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz reportedly arrived outside Oprah’s mansion carrying old photographs and a boombox like rejected boyfriends in a 1990s romantic comedy.
Oprah closed the curtains.
When a reporter asked whether proposed taxes on billionaires would include her, the press conference ended abruptly.
As of press time, Oprah denied distancing herself from anyone and urged Americans to remember whatever she says tomorrow.
