WASHINGTON: Progressive activists declared beverages a threat to democracy Tuesday after concerns about paper straws forced them to confront the unbearable possibility that President Trump was right again, sources have confirmed.
“We’re running out of ways to call this a coincidence,” sobbed one organizer, shredding another emergency supply of previous statements.
The Paper Straw Brigade convened an emergency meeting, which stalled when its refreshments required eating through a wet envelope.
“These straws are perfectly functional,” insisted spokesperson Willow Pulp, extracting hers from a milkshake with salad tongs.
Asked whether she would consider plastic, Pulp bit off her nose, placed it in a compost bin, and requested accommodations for her newly restricted breathing.
“That’ll show him.”
Activists subsequently introduced a sustainable drinking system consisting of six reusable funnels, a bicycle pump, and a graduate student majoring in suction.
The device cost $840 and successfully moved lemonade onto somebody’s trousers.
Meanwhile, organizers attempted to release a statement explaining why Trump remained wrong regardless of whether he was correct.
Unfortunately, they printed it on straw material.
It dissolved before the second paragraph.
Supporters called this a living document.
As of press time, the brigade had switched to drinking directly from cups, then demanded the cups be square after discovering Trump had previously said he liked round ones.
