BOSTON — After another first-inning disaster followed by a postgame tantrum, the Boston Red Sox announced Brayan Bello has been demoted past Triple-A Worcester and straight to T-ball, where team officials believe he may finally find a level of baseball that does not allow pitching, sources have confirmed.
“This isn’t punishment,” said one Red Sox executive while hiding the team’s ERA report under a weighted blanket.
“This is growth. In T-ball, the ball just sits there. Nobody throws it. Nobody locates it. Nobody gives up five runs before fans finish parking. Frankly, it’s the perfect role.”
Bello reportedly objected to the move, yelling at reporters for asking whether allowing runs immediately was hurting the team.
“I’m a starter,” Bello insisted.
“People only criticize me when I start games and they immediately go terribly. That feels targeted.”
Red Sox officials disagreed, explaining that adults who throw tantrums after being awful at their job do not get a nap, a snack, and a sticker.
They get sent to Worcester, or in extreme cases, a field full of six-year-olds learning which way first base is.
Coaches say Bello’s new program will focus on grip, breathing, humility, and not blaming microphones for balls landing in the bleachers.
As of press time, Bello had been named opening-day starter for the Tiny Tigers before coaches remembered T-ball has no pitchers and promoted him to assistant orange-slice coordinator.
All pro ball STINKS.
The Sox have been awful this year.