Rock & Roll Split: Gene Simmons Waves American Flag While Keith Richards Still Looking For The Decade He Left It In

LOS ANGELES — Rock music experienced what historians are calling “the loudest disagreement since someone suggested disco” after Gene Simmons and Keith Richards offered dramatically different takes on America, sources have confirmed.

According to industry insiders, Simmons arrived at a press conference wearing enough American flags to qualify as a national monument before sticking out his trademark tongue and shouting, “This place still rocks!”

Across town, Keith Richards reportedly stared thoughtfully into the distance before declaring America “a bit of a disappointment,” though witnesses couldn’t determine whether he was talking about the country or trying to remember what year it was.

Music fans immediately embraced the contrast.

“It’s like watching Uncle Sam argue with Captain Jack Sparrow,” one imaginary concertgoer explained.

Industry executives reportedly attempted to broker peace by inviting both legends to the same backyard Fourth of July barbecue.

Simmons allegedly arrived carrying fireworks, cheeseburgers, and an amplifier the size of Rhode Island.

Richards reportedly wandered in three hours later asking if anyone had seen 1978.

The conversation quickly deteriorated into an argument over whether rock stars should save the world, ignore the world, or simply play guitar loud enough that nobody could hear cable news.

Audience members, meanwhile, reportedly reached a surprisingly simple conclusion.

“How about less lecturing,” one fan shrugged, “and more guitar solos?”

As of press time, Simmons had reportedly challenged Richards to settle the debate the old-fashioned way: a sold-out concert, a screaming guitar solo, and whichever side got the louder encore from the crowd.