AUGUSTA, ME — Democrat campaign organizers were reportedly seen wandering through Maine this week asking local businesses whether they accepted Robux after the party burned through $16 million promoting failed candidate Graham Platner, sources have confirmed.
According to insiders, staffers first tried paying vendors with leftover yard signs, unused bumper stickers, and several tote bags reading “This Is The One.”
The hardware store declined.
“So did the printer,” one exhausted treasurer admitted.
“Apparently democracy runs on cash.”
Sources say party leaders had once described Platner as “the future of Maine politics,” though one donor later compared the investment to buying a used car with three tires, smoke pouring from the hood, and every warning light on the dashboard.
“The salesman kept saying she’s good as new,” the donor said.
“Then the bumper fell off before we left the lot.”
Campaign officials reportedly blamed misinformation, bad timing, voter confusion, weather, social media, the moon phase, and “insufficient appreciation for bold messaging.”
One strategist insisted the $16 million was not wasted.
“It was a learning investment,” he said.
Local Republicans were allegedly still laughing hard enough to require oxygen.
As of press time, campaign staff had reportedly launched a new fundraising drive titled Help Us Buy A Fourth Tire For The Democracy Van while quietly asking whether Roblox offered bulk currency discounts.
