Tony Romo has announced he needs a break from earning millions to guess what other millionaires might do next, sources have confirmed.
Following an entirely fictional OWI arrest, Romo blamed decades of occupational uncertainty, beginning with his discovery that opposing defenders weren’t obligated to follow his predictions.
“People think this job is easy,” Romo explained from a rehabilitation facility for exhausted weather forecasters.
“Try saying ‘Jim, they’re gonna run it’ and then watching them pass. Now imagine surviving that twice before lunch.”
CBS reportedly offered him a reduced workload consisting of pointing at grass and confirming that football remained scheduled for Sunday.
Romo declined, citing the emotional burden of occasionally being correct.
“I’m basically a weatherman with shoulder pads,” he said.
“Except when I predict a disaster, Dallas usually delivers.”
His arrest allegedly followed an attempt to audible out of a traffic stop.
Romo identified the officer’s coverage, shouted ‘Omaha,’ and requested a commercial break.
Democrats immediately proposed a federal bailout for distressed announcers, funded by Americans who still work Mondays.
A union representative demanded hazard pay whenever a quarterback changed the play after Romo had already committed to his sentence.
As of press time, Romo had predicted a successful recovery, prompting CBS to purchase comprehensive insurance against the exact opposite happening and hire a barometer as his replacement.
