LANSING, MI: Michigan officials celebrated a breakthrough in human longevity after a complaint alleged nearly 2,500 voter registrants were listed as at least 110 years old, sources have confirmed.
Researchers initially credited clean living, until someone remembered these people spent forty years breathing Buick.
The Public Interest Legal Foundation’s complaint concerns voter records.
Michigan officials immediately offered to settle the matter with some glossy tourism brochures.
“Florida has sunshine,” announced Gretchen Whitmer in a celebratory lab coat.
“We have people who remember sunshine before electricity.”
Officials unveiled a wellness program consisting of factory work, lake-effect snow, and never updating your mailing address.
The oldest registrant attributed his longevity to oatmeal, perseverance, and being a clerical entry.
Meanwhile, Halloween stores reported unprecedented demand for gray wigs, orthopedic shoes, and makeup advertised as “Great-Uncle, But Available Tuesday.”
One aspiring centenarian abandoned his disguise after discovering that looking 110 required more preparation than his political science degree.
Democrats demanded Republicans stop questioning the records and start respecting Michigan’s thriving community of Civil War eyewitnesses.
A proposed birthday celebration collapsed when the fire marshal learned how many candles were involved.
The cake required its own substation.
Officials insisted no conclusions about ballots could be drawn from registration ages alone.
As of press time, Michigan had replaced its organ donor checkbox with “Still voting, apparently.”
Usual democrap cheating.