A routine photo op with some visiting world leaders turned catastrophic today, as Commander, President Biden’s German shepherd, fatally mauled four more Secret Service agents before being subdued by way of Biden offering the dog a Milk-Bone, sources have confirmed.
“My god, how can this keep happening?” asked Clara Knowles, a reporter that witnessed this morning’s slayings. “Time and time again we’ve seen Commander’s violent nature not only be allowed, but encouraged! Of course if you keep petting him and giving him treats it’s going to keep going happening. When will we learn?”
“I still can’t believe what I saw,” she continued. “Those Secret Service guys are highly trained, but as soon as one of them got bit and they reached for their guns, Commander was taking them all on. He looked like one of those pit bulls from John Wick. I’m so lucky to be alive right now. What a bad dog.”
Commander’s rampage is merely the latest of high-profile attacks on various White House staff members since Biden’s inauguration.
“I thought the hardest part of this job would be the stress and the long hours,” said a low-level White House employee that wished to remain anonymous. “But I was absolutely wrong: it’s running for my life as a German Shepherd chases me up and down the hallways while absolutely nothing is done about it. I don’t want to turn this into a partisan thing, but I can’t imagine Donald Trump would have gotten away with having a killer dog. Oh shit, do you hear that? We need to get out of here.”
As of press time, Biden has confirmed that if the bloodshed continues he will no longer share his ice cream cones with Commander.
