Democrats: If Civil Rights Apply, Our Sanctuary Ponzi Scheme Collapses

SACRAMENTO — Democratic state leaders unveiled a new legal theory arguing that civil rights are wonderful, sacred, and absolutely vital — except when they interfere with the smooth operation of their multi-billion-dollar “Sanctuary Economy,” sources have confirmed.

At a hastily convened press conference titled Civil Rights (Selectively Applied), officials explained that enforcing existing laws would “accidentally” dismantle the intricate house of cards they’ve built from federal grants, welfare pass-throughs, and very creative accounting.

One spokesperson sighed that if the government stopped sending billions to cities that openly ignore federal law, “the whole progressive business model would implode like a vegan soufflé.”

Meanwhile, mayors from several sanctuary cities proposed exempting themselves from civil rights statutes, gravity, and basic math, insisting that rules are “a social construct invented by people who pay taxes.”

Activists waved signs reading ALL RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE — EXCEPT AMERICANS IN OUR WAY. A leaked memo reportedly outlined a backup plan: rename “sanctuary cities” to “moral investment zones,” where laws are merely “suggestions with good vibes.”

Critics were told that questioning this was “anti-democracy,” even as officials quietly drafted proposals to replace police, courts, and elections with “community feelings circles.”

As of press time, charter buses full of lawyers idled outside, one Democratic strategist admitted, “Look, we love civil rights — we just prefer them applied to other people, somewhere else.