After spending months in California, wildlife expert Robert Irwin has officially declared that the “crocodiles” of Los Angeles are more terrifying than any apex predator in the Australian outback, sources have confirmed.
According to insiders, Irwin did not encounter a single reptile with teeth, but was instead surrounded by slim, toothless, sustainably sourced crocodiles who spent most of their time demanding land acknowledgments, therapy, and government grants.
At a hastily convened press conference outside a kombucha bar in Venice Beach, city officials unveiled the Department of Compassionate Reptiles, explaining that traditional death rolls were canceled because they might be “problematic.”
Irwin reportedly spent his days tagging what locals called “housing crocodiles,” massive creatures that lounge in infinity pools while lecturing homeowners about equity.
When he attempted to wrestle one, the animal responded not with violence but with a 45-minute PowerPoint on intersectionality and a request for taxpayer-funded yoga.
“Back home, a croc wants to eat you and get it over with,” said Irwin, shaking his head.
“In L.A., these things want to cancel you, and then build a bike lane through your soul.”
Witnesses say Irwin fled after a crocodile committee voted to replace teeth with tofu and rename the death roll.
As of press time, Los Angeles declared crocodiles emotionally certified.
Sounds like satire but it also sounds like the truth.
I personally think he is right, he comes from a country that doesn’t have all the woke foolishness, we do and he’s smart for leaving! I left California in 2014 and I thank God I did!
Ah, you need to do some more research. Australia is following the wacko course Canada, The U.K., Sweden, The Netherlands and New Zealand plus many other Western nations are…In fact, the more wacko you or your government are, the less likely you’ll be sent to the Ministry of Peace or the Ministry of Love.
Australia’s C***id rules were Gestapo like. Heinrich Himmler would have been impressed.