Democrats seeking a leader who could unite the party booked a private room to overthrow Chuck Schumer, then discovered that fourteen Democrats had booked the same room to overthrow each other, sources have confirmed.
Adam Hamilton joined the plot after counting more mentions of Schumer than of himself in his own debates.
He said his feelings would’ve been less hurt if the moderator had at least let him introduce Chuck.
The ringleader dimmed the lights and announced that the old boss had to go. His speech ended abruptly when the restaurant called to confirm the reservation under Schumer’s name.
“He got us this room,” whispered an aide.
“He got you elected,” whispered another.
“Let’s stick to what we can prove,” said the ringleader.
The plan called for everyone to slide their phones into a breadbasket, just like on television.
Three conspirators immediately demanded their phones back so they could livestream the confidential meeting.
Schumer walked in halfway through the betrayal.
Nobody knew what to do, so they applauded.
He thanked them for coming and asked who wanted his job. Fourteen hands went up.
“Great,” he said.
“Which one of you wants to call the senator from New Jersey and tell him he’s losing his committee seat?”
Fourteen hands went down.
A progressive aide suggested replacing the boss with a rotating council so nobody could hoard power.
The room split over who got to rotate first.
As of press time, Schumer had secured another term after offering to take the job while everybody else fought over who got to announce it.
This group should be called Schumer and the Schmucks.