A local man spent his Memorial Day paying tribute to American soldiers of the past by blowing part of his hand off this afternoon, sources have confirmed.
“I didn’t set out to do this,” said Duncan Carter, bleeding and waiting in the waiting room of a local hospital. “But now that I’ve caught some friendly fire by my very own hand, I think I understand the violent and unpredictable nature of war. Today, I’ve severed several of my fingers via fireworks to honor the troops.”
Though Carter declared the act a tribute, the doctor who eventually treated his wounds begged to differ.
“He told me it was a Memorial Day thing and kept playing the Star Spangled Banner on his phone as he told me the story,” said Dr. Wendy Campbell. “But his story makes it sound a lot like he lit a couple of fireworks in each hand and then got distracted by a nearby ice cream truck. Nothing patriotic about that, if you ask me.”
As of press time, Carter had announced some big plans for his next tribute to the troops on July 4th, assuming his hands had healed enough to light fuses by then.
They live amungst us!