BALTIMORE, MD — Maryland residents across the Baltimore region say they are struggling to determine which is currently higher: their monthly BGE bill or the sewage level in the newly rebranded “Pooptomac” River,” sources have confirmed.
The confusion began after state officials triumphantly announced that a major sewage leak into the Potomac had been “fully rectified,” a statement quickly followed by water tests showing E. coli levels high enough to qualify the river as an honorary Baltimore alleyway.
“The situation is under control,” a spokesperson from Governor Wes “Spend” Moore’s office assured reporters while standing a cautious 300 yards upwind from the water.
“Our data shows the sewage has been successfully redistributed throughout the river.”
Residents say the announcement felt oddly similar to the governor’s other big celebration this week:
A newly announced BGE rebate worth up to $12.50 per month.
For many Marylanders whose BGE bills now rival their car payments, the rebate was described as “a bold financial relief package.”
“I’m thrilled,” said one Baltimore homeowner while reviewing a $487 utility bill.
“Now I can finally afford half a cheeseburger.”
State officials insist the rebate proves Maryland leadership is working hard to address rising energy costs.
Meanwhile, residents report Baltimore potholes have grown large enough to potentially help absorb excess sewage runoff.
“Honestly I’m not sure what’s more full of it,” said one frustrated taxpayer, “the Pooptomac… or Moore himself.”
State leaders also highlighted Maryland’s growing success as a national leader in exporting residents to states offering lower taxes, cleaner water, and suspiciously high levels of common sense.
As of press time, state officials were reportedly celebrating the successful launch of a new environmental initiative encouraging Marylanders to avoid both the river and their next BGE bill.
So who’s the ignorant ones here, the Maryland Democrat politicians, or the Maryland voters who are complaining, but consistently re-elect Democrats to most of the state offices?
How did America survive years ago?
Dried clothes by nature using fresh air and sunshine, had outhouses ( yeah, well well maintained ones were not nasty.. I’m 78, my grandparents had one.. I know the difference). Had cisterns that caught rainwater or heavy dew runoffs from roofs( you know.. 🤪, like people are building again now!) to wash things in. Free water to water gardens. They took nothing for granted.. find a way or suffer was how they lived.
You get what you vote for. We left the state 12 years ago and put $700 a month in our pockets. Couldn’t be happier ☺️