A telecommunications meltdown at Newark Liberty International Airport has forced air traffic controllers to guide planes using cups and strings, in a scene straight out of a kindergarten craft project, sources have confirmed.
The outage, blamed on “Biden-era infrastructure neglect,” crippled radar systems, leaving controllers to whisper landing instructions via makeshift tin-can phones, per FAA insiders.
“Cleared for landing—can you hear me now?” one controller was heard yelling into a Dixie cup.
Conservatives on X are cackling, with one user posting, “This is what happens when Dems defund progress!”
Trump, on Truth Social, called it “the most low-tech airport ever,” vowing to “make aviation great again.”
Pilots, navigating the busy airspace, reported “surprisingly clear” cup comms, though some strings snapped mid-flight.
Liberals blamed climate change for the tech failure, while the right pointed to Newark Mayor Ras Baraka’s “sanctuary city distractions.”
As of press time, Baraka was spotted pitching a “Cups for All” initiative to fund string upgrades.
This is also baraka and the DNC’s guaranteed new version of election security: citizens, illegal aliens, repeating illegal alien and democrat voters only have to whisper (for privacy in voting) into any cup and their votes will be automatically be recorded, tabulated, and the results could be reported even before the polls open. If it’s good enough for aeroplanes, it’s good enough for They-The-Proletariat.