SACRAMENTO: Gavin Newsom’s office declared a statewide shortage of surprised facial expressions after federal voting allegations forced staff to reuse the governor’s emergency “Who Could Have Imagined?” face, sources have confirmed.
The crisis began when aides discovered every available eyebrow had already been raised during previous scandals.
“We’re down to one gasp and a laminated look of concern,” warned his communications director.
Officials responded by hiring an expensive Hollywood acting coach to teach advanced disbelief.
Newsom struggled with the exercise requiring him to look surprised without checking whether the lighting favored his hair.
Meanwhile, one primary suspect claimed he had voted in three elections and prepaid a friend for 2028.
“That’s not fraud,” explained a party consultant.
“That’s civic engagement with automatic renewal.”
The suspect’s loyalty card offered a free tote bag after his tenth presidential election.
Asked whether that seemed suspicious, officials said the real concern was insufficient tote bag funding.
Aides unveiled a revised response manual: deny everything, demand context, blame Trump, then announce California leads the nation in something unrelated.
Newsom immediately praised the state’s coastline.
Reporters persisted.
He praised it again, this time in Spanish.
As of press time, the governor had ordered an investigation into whoever kept scheduling embarrassing discoveries during his presidential audition, while staff practiced saying “isolated incident” in twenty-eight different voices.
