Padres Lose Pitcher to Taxes, Newsom Promises Replacement Player Will Arrive on High-Speed Rail

California officials are reportedly scrambling after MLB pitcher Merrill Kelly declined a Padres offer, citing the state’s tax rate, a development insiders say has now forced the franchise to begin scouting talent in neighboring states where paychecks survive longer than six innings, sources have confirmed

Team executives admitted the deal fell apart shortly after Kelly’s accountant finished explaining California’s tax brackets using three calculators, a whiteboard, and what witnesses described as “visible concern.”

One Padres staffer said the pitcher remained interested until he heard the phrase “combined state adjustments,” at which point he reportedly packed his glove and asked if Arizona still had room.

Governor Gavin Newsom dismissed the concerns, assuring fans that California remains attractive thanks to its forward-thinking investments, including a high-speed rail project expected to connect Los Angeles to somewhere near the idea of San Francisco by 2047.

“We’re building the future,” Newsom said, gesturing toward a map with several dotted lines and the words Phase Pending MORE Funding Pending Approval.

Residents noted that as taxes rise, more athletes, businesses, and occasionally entire U-Haul dealerships appear to be relocating, leaving behind only traffic cones, concept art, and extremely confident press conferences.

Newsom later announced a plan to offset the loss by writing another book about leadership, which aides say will be available wherever unsold copies of the last one are stored.

As of press time, officials confirmed the governor would attend the Padres’ next game via the high-speed rail, which currently exists as a very enthusiastic drawing.