Amidst the shutdown, claims have surfaced that Chuck Schumer is absolutely terrified of AOC, sources have confirmed.
According to insiders, Chuck has been spotted shuffling down Capitol hallways, clutching a stress ball and reciting “Anti Trump Phrases” under his breath as a protective spell.
Staffers allege he retreats to his personal “safe space” — a broom closet stacked with bean bags, therapy lamps, and pre-approved non toxic crayons — whenever AOC and her entourage stroll by.
Witnesses claim he once dove headfirst into a recycling bin to avoid eye contact, later telling aides, “If I can’t see her, she can’t primary me.”
The shutdown, critics say, looks less and less like a budget fight and more like Schumer’s extended round of hide-and-seek.
Fellow Democrats reportedly ask, “Why’d we shut down again?” then quickly remind themselves, “Oh right, because Republicans exist and orange man bad.”
Republicans, meanwhile, say they called Schumer’s office demanding he reopen, only to reach his voicemail: “I’m not coming out ’til you give me what I want, and she’s far away.”
As of press time, Schumer was reportedly identifying as invisible , and refusing to accept that he could in fact be clearly seen in his duct tape cloak and foil hat.
Chuck you Fumer.
We all could sing
What a Wonderfull world
If he would stay there forever .
If every democrat would cease to exist
The song would be “”Oh Happy day When Jesus Comes “”
That guy has no balls, that’s why he runs and hides in a broom closet. He sure talks tough when in front of a CNN, MSNBC camera crew though.