Democrats Propose Letting Voters Just Shout Their Choice Into an Envelope and Mailing It In

Democrats have proposed a controversial new law that would enable mail-in voters to bypass the traditional ballots and instead just scream their choice into an envelope and mail it into the city, sources have confirmed. 

“Frankly, there are just too many hurdles involved with the mail-in voting process,” said Randall Benchman, the Democratic senator spearheading the proposal. “Those ballots can be confusing, have small text, and be tough to stuff back into an envelope. All kinds of things can and do go wrong. Letting people just shout their preferred candidate at the top of their lungs into an envelope and sending it in is really the most streamlined way to do things.” 

“Plus,” he added. “I mean, it’s not like we count all the votes anyway.” 

Opponents of the new Shout-In-An-Envelope-And-Mail-It-In law say it gives ballot counters far too much power. 

“We already take them at their word, now they have to somehow discern what name has been shouted into an envelope?” asked skeptical local resident Mary Larson. “Mail-in voting was absurd enough, but at least there used to be a paper trail. This new system won’t work at all, I’m afraid. What’s to stop someone from screaming someone’s name five or six times in there, you know?” 

As of press time, local Democrats had reminded mail-in voters to please mask up before screaming their vote into an envelope and mailing it to City Hall.