The Democratic National Committee announced Wednesday it will replace its candidate bench with a shared cinematic universe starring Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert, sources have confirmed.
Officials say voters demanded relatable leadership, and nothing connects with working Americans like a $5,000-a-plate fundraiser where the headliner tells jokes written in 2017 about President Trump while Nancy Pelosi nods thoughtfully over artisanal soup.
Kimmel reportedly plans to open the event by thanking donors for “bravely laughing at material you’ve already heard for eight straight years,” before unveiling the party’s new economic plan:
Applause breaks every 45 seconds until inflation feels emotional rather than mathematical.
Meanwhile, Colbert declared his presidential curiosity grew after CBS declined to air an interview he described as “constitutionally mandatory.”
Legal experts later clarified the Constitution does not require networks to broadcast campaign rallies disguised as conversations.
Party strategists confirmed future debates will be judged on clapter timing, fist-dramatic sincerity, and the ability to sip from a mug while looking disappointed in America.
Advisers insist both hosts bring valuable governing experience, having spent a decade solving national problems by staring into a camera and blaming Trump with increasing volume.
The platform currently includes climate hopefulness, student loan forgiveness, and a nightly monologue explaining why the previous monologue did not go far enough.
As of press time the comedy community issued a statement reading simply, “Finally.”
Childish.
Excellent!
Just now heard Brandon Carr say how the FCC said nothing about Colbert and Talerico. That CBS had nothing to do with it. Just the CBS lawyers saying that Colbert might trigger an investigation if he doesn’t also have on Crockett. But of course it was all blamed on Trump and censorship. Which had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. This does not surprise me. Everything must be Trump’s fault. It’s all the left has. Getting very tiresome and very old.
Ladies you should run for something!
I agree with ugly slippers it been old and everyone is very tired of it. They don’t have any ideas of there own and the only thing they have is to protest every thing Trump does or says. They are useless, old, been there way to long and we need term limits just like we do for the president. This government was designed to do your term do a good job to make it better and leave it to the next person. The government wasn’t designed to spend your life doing nothing and it surly was designed for the elected representatives to slam our great country every day. If we are so bad get the hell out the only reason they stay is to get rich off us true Americans and by illegal trading in the market or both.