Vice President JD Vance reportedly stunned reporters by calling Minnesota’s federal fund theft “adorable” when compared to California’s sprawling, multi-tiered corruption infrastructure, sources have confirmed.
Vance explained that while Minnesota misplaces taxpayer money like a distracted intern, California has perfected a vertically integrated grift economy involving nonprofits, emergency powers, green initiatives, and a long paper trail that somehow never leads anywhere.
“In California,” Vance quipped, “fraud isn’t a crime, it’s a growth sector.”
Governor Gavin Newsom’s office responded by insisting the state’s financial irregularities are merely “values-aligned spending,” adding that it’s pure coincidence so much of the money flows toward campaign allies, luxury startups, and guys Gavin met once at a vineyard who had a really compelling vision.
Officials emphasized Newsom’s loyalty to big business is principled, selective, and extremely well-compensated.
Meanwhile, even Hollywood elites are reportedly fleeing the state, not out of protest, but to avoid accidentally being listed as board members of a Newsom-adjacent nonprofit they’ve never heard of.
As of press time, California announced a new emergency grant program to study why emergency grant programs keep funding themselves.
Time for Vance to comment on AZ.