United States Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has called for the alcohol industry to label their wine coolers in an effort to warn potential drinkers that only dorks drink them, sources confirm.
“We must do something about this,” said Murthy. “Too many children are drinking pretty boy drinks like Smirnoff Ice or that Seagram’s bullshit. Some are even being misled by cool companies like Jack Daniels selling them fruity juice with alcohol mixed into it. It’s gone too far, and these products need to be labeled for what they are: extremely dangerous to a young drinker’s social standing.”
Local parents echoed Murhty’s concerns.
“We found out last year that our son was going to parties and drinking them,” said a mortified parent who wished to remain anonymous. “No parent wants to hear that their child is out binge drinking, but I don’t think anyone is ready to hear that they’re doing it with drinks traditionally enjoyed to fifty-year-old women. Why can’t my son just bong a beer like a normal kid?”
As of press time, Murhty also confirmed that things like Mike’s Hard Lemonade and White Claw alcoholic seltzers were being monitored for potential dorkiness.
I’d rather have a Corona and Cajun boiled peanuts!