CSU Announces New Course: Red Eye 101 — The Science of Smoking Weed While Inhaling Tear Gas

California Professor Indicted After Mistaking Tear Gas Canister For Olympic Torch, Sources Have Confirmed

CAMARILLO, CA — In a shocking turn of events, Cal State professor Jonathan Caravello allegedly hurled a tear gas canister back at federal agents during a cannabis farm raid, insisting he was “just practicing for the 2028 Olympic Shot Put.”

Students say the professor recently added “Projectile Philosophy 101” to the curriculum, with lab work focusing on lobbing gas grenades while quoting Plato and filing microaggression complaints mid-throw.

Witnesses report the professor shouted, “THIS IS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE CREDIT!” before launching the canister with the precision of a Soviet discus thrower.

University officials rushed to defend him, claiming assault on federal agents is “part of the CSU tenure track process,” and reminding critics that California “values diverse approaches to violent resistance.”

The California Faculty Association later issued a statement condemning ICE for interrupting “a peaceful agricultural internship,” while quietly asking donors for sustainable, carbon-neutral riot gear donations.

Critics argue the incident proves academia has gone so far left it now doubles as a training ground for Antifa Olympics, complete with gluten-free vegan energy drinks, gender-inclusive protest chants, and tear-gas yoga retreats.

As of press time, CSU administrators were reportedly drafting a new accredited course titled Red Eye 101: The Combined Study of Cannabis Consumption and Tear Gas Inhalation, which promises students hands-on labs in both coughing techniques and protest choreography.