Whoopi Goldberg Declares The View a Government Branch, Demands Crocs as National Uniform

Whoopi Goldberg declared during today’s broadcast that The View is now the “Fourth Branch of Government,” sources have confirmed.

Goldberg, surrounded by her co-hosts all shouting “no one can silence us” in unison, reportedly waved her arms like a traffic cop at a meltdown.

Cameramen and studio aides were overheard muttering, “we wish someone could,” as the noise rattled coffee mugs across the set.

According to insiders, Goldberg told ABC executives, “We’re the law around here — what I say goes.”

She then produced a binder labeled “Whoopi’s Executive Orders ,” which analysts noted was just a stack of Joy Behar’s napkin doodles and expired Starbucks coupons stapled together.

ABC executives were reportedly looking into “emergency volume-control measures,” including noise-canceling headphones for the crew and panic buttons that automatically switch the channel to Wheel of Fortune.

Meanwhile, Joy Behar introduced legislation demanding every American replace their driver’s license photo with a selfie approved by The View, and Sunny Hostin unveiled a new legal doctrine called “trial by astrology.”

Critics say the antics prove desperation, as ratings for The View continue to trail reruns of Duck Dynasty.

Goldberg dismissed the backlash, shouting, “If the Founding Fathers had met us, they’d have given ME my own amendment.”

As of press time, Behar was seen drafting a bill to replace the national anthem with The Golden Girls theme song, played exclusively on kazoo.