PHILADELPHIA — Eagles legend and ESPN football analyst Jason Kelce has declared that critics of the infamous “Tush Push” are “part of a national epidemic of softness,” sources have confirmed.
Kelce compared his opponents to people who “microwave cauliflower cookies and call it dinner” and insisted that true football fans “eat nails for breakfast and go for it on 4th-and-inches.”
Eyewitnesses at a broadcast event reported that Kelce delivered his remarks shirtless, wrapped in an American flag, while bench-pressing a live bald eagle.
Instead of simply defending the play, he vowed to end the never-ending saga once and for all, announcing a nationwide “Push or Be Pushed” tour in which he would personally reenact the play on every critic until silence was restored to football discourse.
Critics of the play, meanwhile, were spotted huddled in beanbag chairs, sipping sparkling cucumber water and demanding trigger warnings before rewatching Eagles highlights.
One anonymous “soft football” advocate told reporters:
“The Tush Push makes me feel unsafe. Couldn’t we replace it with a group hug at the line of scrimmage?”
Kelce rejected the notion, arguing that banning the play would “turn football into a Pilates class” and swore to fight to keep the “Tush Push”.
As of press time, sources confirmed that Kelce had challenged Tush Push critics to settle the debate in a mud pit armed only with football uniforms and freedom.
Keep the push in the tush alive. You sissies can go watch Badmitton or Ru Pauls trannie show.