California officials announced they cannot identify former resident Tito Ortiz after he relocated to Florida, sources have confirmed.
According to Newsom’s office, the governor only recognizes celebrities who move into California and pay taxes, not those who escape with their wallets intact.
Press staff clarified the governor’s memory loss is part of an aggressive climate initiative designed to reduce cognitive emissions caused by acknowledging policy outcomes.
Reporters noted a Tito Ortiz poster briefly visible behind the governor’s desk before an aide covered it with a rendering of a high-speed rail line scheduled to arrive sometime between never and never.
Officials insisted California remains affordable, explaining residents merely need to redefine affordability as “living in a smaller space farther away from where jobs used to exist.”
They added crime statistics have improved because categories now include “emotionally reported theft” and “non-traditional property relocation.”
Ortiz reportedly said he may return once leadership changes and the state finishes repairing housing costs, public safety, and stop the imaginary train project that currently costs millions just to mention.
The governor responded that Florida only appears successful due to a temporary surplus of sunlight and happy residents.
As of press time California announced a new outreach program reminding departing families they were never actually residents.
