In a bold reimagining of municipal governance, Baltimore has officially replaced basic city services with luxury accessories for Mayor Brandon Scott’s 2025 Jeep Grand Wagoneer, sources have confirmed.
Facing an $85 million deficit, potholes large enough to qualify as lakes, and entire blocks of abandoned buildings, City Hall unveiled its new “Equity on Wheels” initiative, declaring the mayor’s V8 SUV the only functioning piece of infrastructure left in town.
The Wagoneer now boasts a rooftop kombucha tap, a climate-poetry sound system that whispers “net zero” at stoplights, and a retractable “Save the Planet” banner that deploys every time the engine gulps premium fuel.
Residents were informed that cancelled trash pickups are actually “mindfulness opportunities,” while burst water mains have been reclassified as “spontaneous urban water features.”
Police shortages were addressed by installing a flashing “Feel Safer” LED strip around the Jeep’s grille.
During a victory lap past boarded-up rowhouses, Scott proclaimed that the Wagoneer runs on “solar vibes, progressive intentions, and a little bit of democracy.”
City accountants, meanwhile, were told to stop counting dollars and start “counting feelings.”
Local officials cheered as the Jeep idled for three hours outside a closed fire station “to charge its activism.”
As of press time Baltimore’s only working public service was still the mayor’s gas-guzzling, climate-changing, budget-devouring luxury SUV
I’m guessing this article is satire, I read yesterday that in New York, Mandami is refusing to snow plow the streets and neighborhoods, I would think this would be on TV, on National News.
To be honest, it sounds about right for Baltimore.
I don’t know what New York is like now but, in the early 80s I got an eye full of trashed burned out vehicles along the roadways from the airport. It looked like bombed out Beirut. I can imagine what a mega shithole it is now.
It’s time to take our government back and fire every politician immediately they are destroying our country and are wasting taxpayers money without even trying to hide it. They rub our faces in their greed and been making themselves rich on our taxpayers money. We need a new government and everyone in it now needs to be held accountable for Trillions of dollars wasted.