DUBLIN — Rosie O’Donnell reportedly admitted feeling “shameful” after her secret facelift was exposed, though sources close to the actress clarified the shame came less from the procedure and more from the fact that her disguise still failed to get her past Trump-era America unnoticed, sources have confirmed.
O’Donnell, who famously swore she would never return to the United States while President Trump was in office, allegedly underwent the cosmetic overhaul as part of a covert operation called Mission: Definitely Not Rosie.
“She thought if she tightened everything up, threw on sunglasses, and stopped yelling ‘Trump!’ every seven seconds, nobody would recognize her,” said one insider.
“Unfortunately, the plan collapsed the moment she got within 400 yards of a camera and started explaining democracy to a baggage carousel.”
Sources say O’Donnell has already snuck back into the country twice, visited openly once, and has developed a mysterious habit of “randomly” appearing near Trump’s latest location with the innocent expression of someone who definitely did not track Air Force One on three different apps.
When asked why she kept returning to a country she vowed to avoid, O’Donnell reportedly explained, “I left America forever. I just keep visiting permanently.”
As of press time, O’Donnell was seen testing a new disguise involving oversized sunglasses, a trench coat, and a hat reading “Definitely Not Rosie, Just A Concerned Democracy Tourist.”
Face lift won’t help. Maybe if it uses a cement mixer…no, that wouldn’t help.