Shutdown Party? Schumer Caught Dancing as Americans Wait for Paychecks
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chuck Schumer reportedly declared the ongoing government shutdown “fun for the whole party,” sources have confirmed. According...
Kennedy Says Schumer’s Been in ‘Woke Trance’ So Long He’s Now Technically a Renewable Energy Source
Senator John Kennedy has claimed that Senate Leader Chuck Schumer has been “stuck in a government-shutting trance of wokeness since...
Family Feud on the Hill: Pelosi and Schumer Can’t Ground AOC
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic leadership is in full-blown family crisis, sources have confirmed. AOC’s latest progressive tantrum reportedly “sent Grandpa...
Dems Demand Pay for Furloughed Staff, Cite “Emotional Labor of Pretending to Govern”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries has announced that Democrats will “demand full pay for furloughed congressional staff”...
Mamdani Denies Being a Communist, Accidentally Announces Communism Anyway
In what experts are calling “the boldest theft since the IRS discovered Venmo,” Zohran Mamdani has proposed The People’s Reallocation...
UNC’s “Gentle Tackle” Defense Lets Clemson Score for Unity
After Clemson’s win, UNC revealed it had been experimenting with a Biden-era artificial intelligence system to “update Bill Belichick’s outdated,...
Democrats Form Band, Drop New Album: “BLAME TRUMP — The Shutdown Sessions”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite requesting over a trillion dollars for “safe spaces, therapy goldfish, and emotional support murals,” Democrats have...
AOC Leads Dramatic Training to Prepare for the Word ‘No’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the government shutdown continues, following reports that Democrats triggered it after being told “no” , new...
Chuck Hides in Senate Closet, Claims AOC Can’t Primary Him If He’s “Invisible”
Amidst the shutdown, claims have surfaced that Chuck Schumer is absolutely terrified of AOC, sources have confirmed. According to insiders,...
AOC Grounded After Pelosi Snaps at Reporter: “No Allowance Until She Stops Talking”
Nancy Pelosi reportedly scolded AOC after she told Republicans her “office is open” for shutdown negotiations, sources have confirmed. Pelosi,...
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