GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a colossal UFO mothership would interrupt the Brazil–Scotland World Cup match, abduct hundreds, and possibly ask for directions to the nearest taco truck.
According to the psychic, the aliens planned to descend dramatically at kickoff, hover menacingly, and begin selecting humans for what she described as “intergalactic vibes assessment.”
The prediction went viral, with thousands of online experts confidently declaring the invasion had been “rescheduled twice due to Mercury being in retrograde and FIFA bureaucracy.”
Witnesses claim the aliens did arrive—only to pause mid-abduction after watching five minutes of cable news and collectively whispering, “Oh no.”
Intercepted transmissions suggest the extraterrestrials attempted to understand American politics before immediately requesting a refund on their invasion permit.
“They’ve studied black holes, quantum physics, and time travel,” one observer said.
“But campaign ads broke them in under 30 seconds.”
Several voters reportedly offered to donate political activists “for science,” but alien scientists declined, citing “irreversible confusion contamination.”
Instead, the mothership hovered politely, booed a referee, and debated offsides rules for three hours.
As of press time, the aliens had filed for emergency asylum on Mars, citing Earth as “too weird, even for us.”
Due to cosmic electrical wave anomalies caused by the comet Kohoutek ,
the arrival of the mothership has been delayed…
Do NOT eat the chocolate pudding !
We repeat…
Do NOT eat the chocolate pudding !
Due to the finding that World Cup visitors from other countries seem to love America more than the Democrats do, the arrival of the mother ship has been delayed…
Do not eat the Ranch dressing !
We repeat…
Do not eat the Ranch dressing !