Hillary Clinton Discovers Biden 2024 Was A Terrible Mistake Right After It Became Safe To Say Out Loud
WASHINGTON — Hillary Clinton returned from the political mist machine this week to inform America that Joe Biden’s 2024 reelection...
MLB Warns Players Bible Verses May Create Unsafe Environment For People Wearing Corporate-Sponsored Morality Patches
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball entered emergency inclusion mode this week after several players reportedly wrote Bible verses on...
Robert De Niro Compares Loving America To Abusive Marriage, Immediately Clarifies He Is Still The Victim In Every Metaphor
NEW YORK — Robert De Niro reportedly confused even his own publicist this week after comparing loving America to loving...
Obama Center Contractors Reportedly Begin Dismantling Presidential Center After Learning Hope And Change Don’t Clear Invoices
CHICAGO — Contractors working on the Obama Presidential Center reportedly began making contingency plans this week after learning they were...
Leftists Furious SpaceX IPO Made Elon Musk A Trillionaire Before Learning Cafeteria Workers Got Rich Too
AUSTIN, TX — Progressive activists were thrown into emergency class-war confusion this week after learning the SpaceX IPO could make...
Millionaire Jimmy Kimmel Warns Obscenely Wealthy Weirdo Elon Musk May Become Too Rich For Poor Millionaires To Lecture
HOLLYWOOD — Multimillionaire late-night host Jimmy Kimmel warned America this week that Elon Musk may become an “obscenely wealthy weirdo,”...
Homelessness Advocate Ben Stiller Heroically Walks Past Homeless Man To Attend Knicks Game And Raise Awareness Later
NEW YORK — Celebrity homelessness advocate Ben Stiller was praised by Hollywood this week after courageously walking straight past a...
Democrats Celebrate Graham Platner Victory By Quietly Retiring Phrase “Moral High Ground”
PORTLAND, ME — Democrats celebrated Graham Platner’s victory in the Maine Senate primary this week by immediately evacuating their long-held...
Trump Leaves Knicks Loss Sad, Then Laughs All The Way Home After Hearing Stephen A. Smith Might Run For President
NEW YORK — President Trump was reportedly devastated after watching the Knicks lose Game 3 at Madison Square Garden, but...
Democrats Assure Voters Noncitizens On Voter Rolls Are Just Democracy’s Exchange Students
TRENTON, NJ — Democrats rushed to defend election integrity this week after reports found noncitizens on voter rolls in New...
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